Still Holding on to You
by RossandRachel4KT
Summary: My first fic ever...yet another verison of the 'Break' R&R.


What else was there to say? What else could he say to make her forgive him? He couldn't just let her go, knowing that his love for her was this strong. He was down on his knees with his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Her words stung, but he knew he deserved them.  
  
Rachel: (crying) No. I can't, you're a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can't stop picturing with her, I can't, it doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It's just changed, everything. Forever.  
  
He slowly stood back up and backed away till his back was on Rachel's door. Never did he think this moment would happen. Not only was he losing Rachel, the love of his life, but also he was speechless. He should be saying anything and everything he could to try to get her back. Through his perched lips escaped a quiet sigh. He slid his back against the door and dropped down to a sitting position, his hands running and stopping halfway through his already messy hair and his head facing downwards.  
  
Rachel looked on through her tear-stricken eyes. His face dropped after she finished talking. She'd never once seen his face so emotionless; she could usually tell everything he was thinking just by looking into his eyes. It was different now. She, also letting go a soft sigh, followed in his lead. Sitting down next to him, her back against the door with her head looking down.  
  
He knew she was there. He could always tell when she was near him. Her scent overwhelmed him. He had to say something, anything.  
  
Ross: I—I—  
  
What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he put into words what he wanted to say?  
  
Rachel: What?  
  
She said it softly, her voice barely over a whisper.  
  
Ross thought to himself. Searching for exactly the right words. But he couldn't find them. He spoke quietly, letting his heart speak for him.  
  
Ross: I've been an ass. *Pause* You're right; I don't deserve to be forgiven. I—hmm, I wish I could say something, anything to make this go away. To make it better. I never once thought that I'd be the guy that made you cry, and hurt you. It's killing me inside knowing that I caused you pain.  
  
His words were slow, spoken straight from the heart.  
  
Ross: I love you Rach.  
  
Rachel turned to look at him. She knew his words were true. She'd never heard him be so sincere. He looked like a lost puppy. His head down and his eyes looking at the ground, but it was obvious his thoughts were elsewhere. Rachel reached over and took his hand into hers, interlacing their fingers. She had to be near him, touch him even if it was for the last time. Her gesture made him look up at her and into her eyes. He didn't want to get his hopes up. He didn't need to.  
  
Rachel: I know; I know you do. I love you too. That's why this is so hard. I never thought you'd ever hurt me like this. I just, I don't understand. But I don't think I'd be able to let myself forgive you just like that. I want to, God knows I want to. But being with you will only bring back the fact that you were with her. Kissing her like you kissed me. Running your hand up her leg slowly and onto her waist like you did to me, which I loved so much. It's all different now.  
  
This is why he didn't want to get his hopes up. He heard her starting to cry again. After a few moments Ross couldn't stand it any longer. He moved closer to her and gently wrapped his arm around her and let her cry into his shoulder as he tried to hold back his tears starting to reform. It was more bittersweet than anything else. But she still put one arm around his waist while the other was still holding his hand gently.  
  
Ross was surprised when he felt Rachel's hand creep slowly across his waistline. Maybe it was a sign? Maybe it wasn't? He wasn't sure. But he knew he had to try. He slowly moved backwards a few inches so he could see her face, once again surprised to see her looking up at him. Carefully he leaned down and brushed his lips against hers. She didn't make a move backwards nor forwards; and when he opened his eyes to look at her he wasn't sure whether that was a good sign or not. He took the chance and leaned in again. This time she responded in giving him small kisses. She tasted the sweetness of his and her tears combined on her lips. Salty. Getting caught up in the moment Rachel Slowly slipped her tongue into his mouth. Ross was blown away when he felt her tongue roam into his mouth and fight with his own. Shocked to see that not only was she kissing him back but also she was taking it a step forwards. Ross took that as a sign and gently put his hand on to her waist feeling her skin that was just barely showing above her jeans.  
  
The feel of Ross' hand sent chills up her spine and sent Rachel back into reality. So she slowly let go of him and turned her head slightly. Ross sighed. He took it too far.  
  
Ross: I'm sorry. I guess I got carried away. I shouldn't have done that.  
  
Rachel: Its OK. Its not like I was doing anything to stop you.  
  
After a long silence Ross finally spoke up.  
  
Ross: Its all my fault.  
  
This caught Rachel's attention. Ross: I've been a jerk. None of this would have happened if I didn't get so jealous. I guess I was afraid.  
  
Rachel: Afraid?..Of what?  
  
Ross: Losing you. You're the best thing that every happened to me. You're everything a man could want in a woman. Smart, Sexy, Funny, and Sweet. Everything. And I'm not really that much to brag about. I was afraid someone else would sweep you off your feet and take you away from me. And then I just fucked everything up, probably forever and I hate myself for it. I can't do anything right anymore.  
  
Rachel: Ross..Don't say that. You are what any girl would look for in someone. You just can't see you the way I do. But it just hurts knowing what you did. And I- I just...  
  
Ross: Its OK I understand. I guess I should just go.  
  
He turned and looked at her. She still had tears running down her face but she was no longer sobbing. He put his hands onto her cheeks and gently ran his thumbs under her eyes to get rid of her tears.  
  
Ross: I'll always be here for you. No matter what. And if you ever change your mind, you know I'll wait for you forever. I love you Rach, Just remember that. I always will.  
  
He placed a gentle kiss on her lips, stood up and walked away, turning to look at her one more time before he left.  
  
When she heard the door click shut she shuttered. He was gone.  
  
Rachel: No.  
  
You could barely hear her faint command. This couldn't be it. 


End file.
